To heaven with love

He was 60 year old, when his condition deteriorated. Few days ago, he was like any other uncles whom at times would speak to me every morning. He was an alert man despite his illness. 3 days ago, I realized his condition changed. He was less alert and appeared abit confused. He was not like his usual him.

I started to enquire others and found out that he was not doing well over the weekend. I wasn't around then to witness what happened. I was really concern. I went to his bedside and started speaking to him again. In between his confused speech, I could find some sense in it.

He knew I was worried because I completely took charge on him. He told me repeatedly, 'don't worry, I am tough enough. I won't let go so easily. I am tough." He slipped in between consciousness whenever I passed by him. His words were relieving but I was abit skeptical. Perhaps I took his word for granted. I thought he would be fine soon.

Yesterday I was away. Too busy at work and never had the chance to meet him in the morning. I thought he would be strong enough to live until today but I found him missing. It didn't hit me until someone told me that he had expired. I was shocked. Utterly distressed.

I remember looking into his eyes when he deteriorated and asked if any of his family members were around. I was so worried if anything happened to him, his family would regret not being there for him. He said NO. He travelled far away and he's alone. My heart is now pinching. It's not regret. It's sympathy. May his soul rest in peace.

At times I am really afraid. Afraid of the unexpected. I am learning to be more close to the loved ones whenever possible. I can't dread or regret anymore as life is so unpredictable. There are so many things playing in my mind now but working for the past 2days non-stop is making the mind more confused. Perhaps I should call the day off.

The visit..

I was just a visitor like others when this lady was wheeled into the room. She had her left arm and leg amputated. Her complexion was dusky and she was abit plump. Her anxious place was excusable when the nurse wanted to poke her right arm for venous access. She retaliated.

Suddenly she went histerical. She refused and tried every point to argue on that. In fact she has a catheter in her chest. She was afraid to be poke again and again coz she knew it would be a futile attempt as her veins were mostly collapsed.

She started to cry. Her daughter was with her. Both spoke very decent English language though their mother tongue is bahasa. She was like a kids, whinning and crying. I found a spot to express my concern and wanted to go over to comfort her. Alas, that didn't really happen.

Her daughter was putting up a tough look. I was expecting that she would break down in front of her mum while persuading her to undergo the procedure. But she didn't.

She sang a song to her mum, as if comforting a crying baby. She told how she cared for her and how much the mum needed to do this. She tried her best to keep the mum calm. The hands slowly swept on the mum's forehead as reassurance. Everyone was looking at them.

Then, the mum was called in for the scan. The daughter waited outside. Slowly the tears trickled down. She broke down. She was making some calls while crying. I could now relate what she felt. There was a sudden rush of feelings for me to go over and comfort her, or to at least held her trembling hands. But before I could, a lady friend came over and comforted her.

Sometimes the appearance cannot be compared to the feeling itself. We need to be strong for people yet we are so weak inside. Life is all about others. At times, we forget about ourselves and who we are. We forget that we are obligated to our own well being. All we care is that, when people around us are happy, we are happy. When they are not, we are not.

Life can be unfair. And that's the truth. Mother theresa voluntarily devoted her life to save hundreds if not thousands yet she still void inside. It's an odd feeling but this is the feeling that keeps us going.

Double celebration!

What a wonderful day to start writing again after such a long silence. I have my days mostly occupied with work and personal stuff. For one, today is the mooncake festival and I have been hearing people talking about this festival for the past few days reminding of the childhood time celebrating this festive season. It's rather different nowadays as we all grow up and staying far away from home due to work committments. Nevertheless, this day shall not be forgotten.

Secondly, I have been busy doing some study and I am glad that things went well after months of uncertainty. It's a great beginning though and looking forward to the future undertakings.

Lately I am also committed to jogging and boy, I really jog alot. Almost on a daily basis but days when it rains or am simply too tired. I believe my weight has gone down alot but will try to improve the regular meal taking.

Until then, looking forward to many shout-outs soon. Nite.